For Friday has come around again and as somebody said to me this morning, it's only five weeks until Christmas.
This troubles me a little.
This week I have been running 'on the spot'. There's a lot of movement, a lot of arm flailing but I'm not getting anywhere. My mind is going overtime and a half
I woke up in the night and wrote this:-
The doubting begins & I don't know what I need to do anymore. Could I twirl into an about turn and become another creature? But the same glum one stares back at me in the unforgiving mirror. I want to learn to write in Japanese and become as unflinching as a cat. Become a discoverer, a tightrope walker, an astronomer, a chef, a poet, a soother of wounds there is no medicine for. Become a fairy on a Christmas tree, I'll be a bauble that dangles and leaves a cloud trail in the night. A scarecrow in a field might have more warmth than me so I shall become a student of garden gates and solid fridge air.
I dunno?
Just sharing. That's what blogging is for...
Actually I am filled with a giddy excitement about a new project I have dreamed of for years. It's starting to become a more tangible shape now, I can actually put my finger on thoughts and hold them like struggling beetles so it's closer to realising and I have much much work to do. I wish I could tell you more but for now it's a shushy thing. All will be revealed in 2010. I suppose my night ramblings are the twinkles of self doubt but my dad always said "you can do anything you want" so I'm going to believe in my bigger picture. For him, if not for myself.
Have a lovely weekend my treasures. You are the jewels in my inbox.
10 comments:
Hoping you will share this top secret info with 'THE FAMILY' xx
It's all abaaaaaat famleeeee
(said in my best Peggy Mitchell voice}
xxx
your writing is lovely, so eloquent. can't wait to see what your new ideas and dreams are.
hello ...hang in there as I get the same feelings this time of year for sure~elk
oh yes, that 'running on the spot feeling' (just listen to this, the words are so appropriate http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtAlj_Q1Nik I've fallen back in love with CH big time lately) were was I? Oh yes, I think it is partly a time of year thing, all my friends seem to be feeling the same way, me included. I can't stop wishing for a 36 hour day.
As for the self-doubt? Just hang on in there, it will pass. Perhaps it's just your mind's way of telling you how much you need your trip to India!
Of course you can always do what you want.... If you want it bad enough and that's the deal breaker; you have to work out... how bad do you want it? I had this very conversation with my 17 year old boy last night. God I'm sooo old! Perhaps I should sit crossed legged on a cushion in a dark grotto handing out pearls of wisdom. Perhaps not.
But really, keep yer pecker up, I promise the feeling will go eventually and I can't wait to see your exciting new project.
OH and yes, please I'd LOVE to come with you to India, are you just taking hand luggage or will I fit in your holdall?
*don't worry about things you can't change* ~ my mantra
running, waving, untangling the reels and twisty idea threads are all part of a good process
daunting and scary
but you always dive in and bring us undiscovered shells and corals from the deep
there's no rush ~ we'll all be here no matter how long
>.<
Ladies, your words and support are very comforting...
{deep curtsey}
Thanks for leaving me little red balloons of messages...
❣❣❣❣❣
room in hand luggage for all
just make yourselves very small
{*}
Astonishing that you can be so eloquent in the small hours - my mind is pure ghee in the middle of the night!
Good luck with the new project. Sounds exciting.... x
lovely post and beautiful image. so glad something very exciting is round the corner for you.
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